Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Everyone says I win the strip club
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
