i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
