when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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