her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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