Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
