he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
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We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
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Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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