i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
