Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
