I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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