My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
