I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
