We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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