Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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