Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
