hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
