I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
