we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
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An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
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Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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