connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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