Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
