Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Four minutes until I can fart!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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