Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
