Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
