I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
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