I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
