Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
