Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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