If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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