my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
