the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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