turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
