I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
