Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
