Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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