Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
