I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
