I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
