I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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