Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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