If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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