judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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