I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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