A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
