On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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