In the future we'll all be gay
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
