I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
