Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
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She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
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I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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