I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
