margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
