My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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