there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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