I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
