All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
