just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
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Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
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Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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