omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
